The Lakers’ offseason has been about as smooth as a flight with three crying babies, a turbulence warning, and a pilot who keeps “just checking in.” And at the center of this joyride? A weird cocktail of trade rumors, steep asking prices, and Rob Pelinka playing a game of NBA GM poker without showing any cards.

First, let’s talk about the Andrew Wiggins saga—or rather, the Wiggins mirage. For a brief moment, the Lakers’ name was thrown into the mix as potential suitors for Wiggins. But as Dan Woike shut down faster than a website on Black Friday, “They’re not interested in Andrew Wiggins. I think I can put that to bed.”

Zach Lowe himself chimed in on the Zach Lowe Show, asking what many Lakers fans were thinking, “The Lakers have, I guess, sniffed around Wiggins. I didn’t really understand that.” Same here, Zach. Apparently, the Heat’s “give us Rui Hachimura, Dalton Knecht, and a 2031 first-round pick” demand felt like asking someone to trade their car, house, and favorite hoodie for a toaster.

Wiggins, who Miami reportedly grabbed in the Jimmy Butler trade with Golden State, has been solid, averaging 18 points on 44.8% shooting and 37.4% from three. But when the Heat tried to cash in on Wiggins like he was prime LeBron, the Lakers politely showed themselves the door.

Now, while the Lakers might be skipping the Wiggins dance, they aren’t sitting this offseason out. Pelinka still has his sights on that elusive big man spot—a role vacated when Brook Lopez decided to jump ship to the Clippers. Yep, Brook Lopez, who reportedly “grew wary of the uncertainty around James’ future with the team” (per Windhorst and Shelburne) and bolted like a guy realizing his parking meter expired an hour ago.

With Lopez off the board, the Lakers have turned their binoculars toward Al Horford. The 39-year-old NBA veteran is drawing interest from the Lakers, Warriors, Milwaukee, and Atlanta, with Golden State reportedly shocked he didn’t sign with them last week. As Marc Spears dropped, “Golden State expected him to sign last week, he didn’t. Lakers, Milwaukee, and Atlanta, I believe, are also interested.”

But here’s the catch—Horford isn’t exactly racing to the free agency finish line. He’s still considering retiring; he’s not in any hurry. He’s got a sixth kid on the way, he lives in Atlanta and Boston in the offseason, Spears revealed. So yes, Horford’s free agency is moving slower than your group chat agreeing on dinner plans.

Lakers’ roster puzzle: Building around Luka with LeBron’s cap hit

If the Lakers do land Horford, it would be to back up Deandre Ayton, their other big offseason pick-up. The problem? The Lakers are working with the bi-annual exception math that would make high school algebra feel like a breeze. They’ll have to waive Shake Milton to squeeze in any Horford money. Because why make things simple?

As for Horford’s Boston days, Celtics boss Brad Stevens made it clear that the reunion tour is “unlikely” at this point. “If he were to go and play somewhere else, I think, is an all-time Celtic and a winner,” Stevens said, giving Horford a nice sendoff before probably deleting his number.

The real kicker here is how the Lakers are basically trying to reshape their roster around Luka Doncic… with LeBron James still taking up nearly 35% of the salary cap. It’s like trying to redecorate your house with a grand piano glued to the middle of your living room.

So, where does that leave Rui Hachimura and Dalton Knecht? Thankfully, NOT on a moving truck headed out of LA. For now, the duo stays put, as the Lakers decided they’d rather keep them than overpay for Wiggins. And with their offseason shaping up as a slow dance rather than a full-on roster rave, that might be the smartest move yet.

Between skipping Wiggins, flirting with Horford, and juggling cap space like a circus act, the Lakers offseason is looking like another classic Rob Pelinka slow burn. But hey, at least they aren’t handing out future first-rounders like Halloween candy this time.